Online sports betting is about to become legal where I live, so I’ve been practising by picking my best bets each week. My number one pick this time was Wolves-Leicester under 2.5 goals, which means I only missed by five. Think I’ll give the whole thing a miss. [Wise move – Louise, your wife] As for Team of the Week, there was a nearly unprecedented dearth of attackers from wide and midfield, so no matter the formation, there had to be a weak spot. Best case scenario was a 4-4-2 diamond:
Goalkeeper: Tom Heaton (Burnley)
With Heaton between the sticks, the Clarets have now won three and drawn one, and would have taken all four had the linesman correctly kept his flag down in stoppage time at Watford. (A very difficult call, though.) Heaton made himself big to stop Gerard Deulofeu 1 vs. 1, quick-reaction parried a hard shot from Troy Deeney, and produced a leg save out of nowhere to prevent an own goal. He also delivered the most impressive sweeper-keeper feat of the week, coming out to clear when Étienne Capoue’s long pass sent Deulofeu through. His quality has never been in doubt, and the side are responding to his leadership. Odds are high for yet another year in the top flight for Burnley.
It was an outstanding week for keepers. Let’s mention Kepa Arrizabalaga’s point-blank stop on Laurent Koscielny, Alex McCarthy’s strong hand to deny Gylfi Sigurdsson, Hugo Lloris’ very similar save on Ryan Babel (!), and Kasper Schmeichel’s leap to turn away Rúben Neves. Neil Etheridge and Jordan Pickford both had a couple of fine saves as well.
So who did Garth Crooks include?
Right-Back: Nathaniel Clyne (Bournemouth)
Full-backs are expected to do everything these days, so I assume Andrew Robertson will soon be negotiating with the EU. But if what you want is defence and more defence, you can’t do much better than Nathaniel Clyne. Felipe Anderson, Michail Antonio and Aaron Cresswell got very little out of him, and although he recorded five tackles, he did most of it on pure positioning. Back when he and Calum Chambers were sharing right-back duties at Southampton, I rated them about equal. That was, shall we say, wrong. Great to see him back.
Cyrus Christie fought Danny Rose in the most watchable duel of the weekend, and emerged with considerable credit. A natural wing-back, he’s more comfortable going forward, but checked a dangerous and determined attacker as well as could be expected. He also sent in a fine cross that was nearly converted by Ryan Babel (!!) Alas, it’s emblematic of Fulham’s season that he let in Georges-Kévin Nkoudou’s cross for the winning goal. Elsewhere, Kiko Femenia got in some good crosses against Burnley, losing an assist on one of Heaton’s saves; his defence was a little erratic but he usually recovered well.
Centre-half: Fabian Schär (Newcastle United)
It was Schär And Schär Alike for real this time, and I’m claiming permanent rights to that phrase. Against Cardiff the Swiss netted twice, the first one worth at least two new songs on the terraces. (Harry Maguire weeps.) But Schär wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t also played good defence, and by good I mean freaking fantastic. He cleared with authority, came forward to challenge when necessary, covered huge amounts of ground – it was almost like watching Jamaal Lascelles. The highlight came in the 71st minute, when he slid over to block a Nathaniel Mendez-Laing cross that was heading straight for Callum Paterson and a goal. He gets only a 9.9 from the American judge, because he was once caught out coming forward. A fabulous performance, and let’s all listen for those new songs.
Centre-half: Jan Bednarek (Southampton)
Two in a row for the Power Pole. I’d say he’s advancing in leaps and bounds, but leaps and smashes is more like it. In the 70s and 80s, NBA big man Darryl Dawkins used to name his dunks, and Bednarek could do that with his aerial challenges: The Demolisher, The Facecrusher, The Double Facecrusher, etc. But he’s more than just a killing machine: his reading of the game has improved dramatically in the last few weeks. Six interceptions against Everton tells its own tale, and an alert block on Gylfi Sigurdsson showed yet another side to his game. Could even have had an assist after a neat run forward. Still occasionally makes the wrong choice when coming out of the back line, but I’m not going to be the one to tell him.
And then there’s Laurent Koscielny, with a performance two parts Maldini, one part Otamendi, one part What The F**k. I can’t do it full justice here – you’d need Homer, or perhaps J. K. Rowling – but I can’t leave it without pointing out (deep breath) the classic positioning, the brave blocking, the assured clearances, the comical attempted clearances, the unnecessarily conceded corner, the mad rushes forward, and best of all the piece of performance art Most Surprised Goal Scorer Of The Season.
Elsewhere, James Tomkins against Liverpool had one of those all-or-nothing matches, where he was brilliant most of the time but clearly at fault on two opposition goals. But he needs to get edgier if he wants to match Koscielny. Maxime Le Marchand (a Fulham defender!?) did a solid job marking Fernando Llorente.
Left-Back: Danilo (Manchester City)
Not a heavy week at this position, and so a very rare chance to get a Manchester City defender on the list. Scored a deflected goal and added some penetrating passes, including a beautiful lofted ball to start the move for Leroy Sané’s tally. Also did some quite effective defensive work, winning several balls in the attacking half. Sometimes I wonder just what it is Pep’s full-backs are supposed to do, but this was a simple, conventional performance. Elsewhere, Aaron Cresswell played some good defence in the first half and added a key block in the second, but found himself stymied by Clyne when it came to attack. Charlie Taylor defended well against Ken Sema and Gerard Deolufeu, and Sead Kolasinač had a bit more balanced match than usual.
Deep Midfielder: Rúben Neves (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Devastated the Leicester defence with raking passes. Lost a stunning long-range goal on an equally stunning save. Led his team in touches. Played the simple ball where necessary. Shut off several attacks. He wasn’t perfect – at times a quick exchange passed him by. But he was the dominant player on the pitch. And oh, those raking passes!
Teammate João Moutinho got off to a blistering start with two assists, one from a corner, then largely disappeared from the action. Just when he was getting to grips with the match again, he was substituted. He’s 32, with signs that the rigours of an English season are starting to tell. Earlier in the year he was going 90 minutes most every week, but no longer. Still a fine player, though, with plenty to contribute.
Elsewhere, the amazing incredible Ashley Westwood continues to defy reason and his entire previous Premier League career. Was the pick of the midfielders at Vicarage Road, and should have had an assist after a brilliant cross from deep found Ashley Barnes. Jordan Henderson was my man of the match against Crystal Palace, with good distribution and solid defence.
Side Midfielder: Pierre-Emile Højbjerg (Southampton)
Remember the old fox and hedgehog bit? The fox knows many things, the hedgehog one big thing. Højbjerg is so foxy I’m surprised he doesn’t captain Leicester. When he first broke in at St. Mary’s, he sat deep to hold off attacks and distribute from the back. Now he pushes up with the best of them and is a danger man with the through ball. The stat that tells: his expected assists/90 are more than twice as high as last year. Could have had an actual assist when he sprang Nathan Redmond with a weaker-foot pass, and might have had one a few minutes later with a cross for James Ward-Prowse. Does all the same good defensive work as before, too. Vulpine.
Side Midfielder: Harry Winks (Tottenham Hotspur)
Had the game of his life the previous week against Manchester United. This wasn’t anywhere near as impressive defensively, but didn’t need to be. Against Fulham his job was to keep the ball moving and get it to the attackers, and that he did, quietly and effectively. And at the business end, he buried it. Still has quite a way to develop, but these past two weeks have been remarkable. Almost certainly has been hanging out with Jan Bednarek.
Attacking Midfielder: Gylfi Sigurdsson (Everton)
The weak spot. Not that Gylfi was terrible or anything, but you want your Team of the Week Attacking Midfielder to dazzle, to awe, to make you buy overpriced club shop souvenirs. He did score a goal, and lose two others on a fine Bednarek block and a super McCarthy save. He also completed a few decent passes into the area, mostly in the first half. Otherwise, sort of average, although he did his usual useful defensive work. His only real competition was Dele Alli, who scored a patented header and created here and there. I went with Sigurdsson because his opposition was tougher: Southampton, as opposed to Fulham. But I’m not shelling out 30€ for an Everton Crest Dog Tag & Chain, even if it is stainless steel. (No, I’m not kidding. Check it out yourself.)
As for wingers, the only candidate was Leroy Sané, who scored one and assisted another against Huddersfield. But he was offside on the assist, and ambled through the match like most of the rest of the side.
Striker: Diogo Jota (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Sometimes a hat-trick sort of just happens, and other times a striker destroys the opposition and three aren’t nearly enough. Against Leicester Jota was a threat every time he got near the ball, not only driving toward goal but combining with teammates on the counter-attack. The running chest-trap and blast was stand-up-and-cheer stuff, and the winning goal was placed perfectly just inside the post. Up until Saturday he’d been playing winger in a 3-4-3, decently but not exceptionally. But he and Raúl Jiménez looked made for each other in a 3-5-2, and Nuno now has a few interesting decisions to make.
Striker: Marcus Rashford (Manchester United)
For me, his best match of the season. The goal was marvellous, and his overall play – getting between the lines for the pass, running at defenders, link-up and distribution – was Champions League level. You knew Mourinho’s departure would be a weight lifted, but how many expected this kind of response? He was our early winner for a reason.
Elsewhere, Mo Salah channeled his inner Filippo Inzaghi for a brace against Palace. It’s easy to forget what a versatile striker he is. Together Chris Wood and Ashley Barnes disoriented Watford’s defenders with power and movement, with Wood scoring a wrongly disallowed winner in stoppage time. Aleksandar Mitrovič didn’t get on the board, or even close, but his target play showed why the vultures will be circling when (and it will be when) Fulham go down.
Peter Goldstein