BREXIT BAR FIGHT: Catherine Bearder, the British MEP in charge of catering matters in the Parliament’s Bureau, got into a scrape Tuesday with a fellow quaestor, Polish MEP Bogusław Liberadzki, over whether she should even be able to serve in the administrative role as Brexit approaches. At a meeting of the quaestors in Strasbourg, according to sources who attended, Liberadzki berated Bearder, saying a British MEP had no right to be making decisions affecting other colleagues — prompting Bearder to walk out. Bearder called that description of the argument “totally false” but did not comment on whether she left the meeting early. In any case, it may have been less a complaint about Bearder’s nationality than about her proposal to address “the proliferation of social events and cocktails held on Parliament’s premises, which might affect Parliament’s dignity and public image,” according to a copy of her report obtained by Playbook. Bearder probably should have known that a war on cocktail parties wouldn’t go down well in Parliament.

TRAIN IN VAIN: Bystanders could barely move in Strasbourg this week without bumping into an MEP pushing the idea of free rail travel passes worth up to €480 for young Europeans. The European Commission has already rejected two pilot schemes pushed by Hungarian socialist MEP István Ujhelyi, and another from Greens Rebecca Harms, Karima Delli and Michael Cramer. But with Manfred Weber, the leader of the European People’s Party in Parliament, proclaiming his support for the idea after the State of the Union speech in September, it hit the plenary big time this week. Versions of the plan could cost up to €1.5 billion each year, and that’s just for handing it out to 18-year-olds, and assuming half of them don’t get around to taking up the offer. The Euroskeptic UKIP party has called the idea “blatant bribery.” European Commissioner for Transport Violeta Bulc, pictured, promised to explore the idea, after aides earlier floated a compromise: a lottery system. Playbook can just imagine teenagers huddling around their smartphones waiting for news on whether they’ve been awarded a free train ticket.

COULDA, WOULDA, SHOULDA: It seems that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry just can’t get through a speech without mentioning that he once nearly won the White House. “I ran for president in 2004, came within one state, and whatever, 60,000 votes of being elected,” he said. “So my juices get flowing in October.” On top of that, the audience at Kerry’s German Marshall Fund speech in Brussels Tuesday was treated to this premium advice: “You really need to get some folks who are ready to go out and present facts to the people” about free trade. If only the EU had thought of that earlier!

BUY NEELIE KROES’ HOUSE FOR A COOL €2 MILLION: The former European commissioner with some explaining to do about her failure to disclose links to a Bahamas company while she served as EU competition chief is making a new push to sell her home in Wassenaar, just south of Amsterdam. Previously on sale for €1.7 million, the house is now on the market for €2 million. The price hike coincides with the batch of negative publicity Kroes has received over the Bahamas leaks. It’s a classic case of all publicity being good publicity.

LEGIONNAIRES’ DISEASE OUTBREAK IN PARLIAMENT GYM: Fitness freaks in the Parliament aren’t too happy at the moment. The logistics department sent out a warning last week saying that it “[had] been informed on Monday 26 September of a Legionella concentration that exceeds the precautionary quality threshold within two showers of the sports center.” In English, this means there’s an infestation of disease in the beating heart of European democracy. Fear not, however: Parliamentarians have been reassured that “required corrective treatments are underway.”

LIBERAL MEP JUMPS SHIP: Lithuania’s poker-playing MEP, Antanas Guoga, has said farewell to the Alliance of Liberals and Democrats and is joining the EPP. “After long consideration, I have decided to move on with my political path and rethink my political affiliations,” he said in a farewell email to his former colleagues. “I took this decision largely because of national politics…. I intend to make an alliance with the modern wing of the EPP and join forces with the ALDE group while voting for progressive and future-oriented EP decisions.”

UK FOREIGN(ER) POLICY: This week’s U.K. Conservative Party conference featured a lot of talk about immigrants. According to the Tories, “foreign” health workers are a problem and student migration needs to be controlled. Home Secretary Amber Rudd rebranded a migration impact fund as the “controlling migration fund.” To top it off, former Environment Secretary Owen Paterson declared, according to BuzzFeed, that “[Bulgarians and Romanians] may not be able to use mobile phones” but they’re needed for “picking strawberries; our Brits won’t do it.”

HUBRIS AWARD: Two soundbite nuggets from MPs at the Tory conference: John Redwood told a fringe event audience that “Brexit will be simple and straightforward”; and Andrew Bridgen announced to the surprise of 48 percent of British voters, “We are all Leavers now.”

SEPARATED AT BIRTH: Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell and Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier.

SOUNDBITE AWARD: Party of European Socialists President Sergei Stanishev reacted to the Commission’s assessment of its Youth Guarantee policy with this gem about Marianne Thyssen, the European employment commissioner: “[Her] line is at least surprising — ‘the plan is successful, therefore we are going to reduce its funding.’”

SPAM OF THE WEEK: A young Hungarian called Zoltan Marczell, a trainee for MEP József Nagy from Viktor Orbán’s Fidesz party, chose the morning after the Hungarian refugee referendum to spam all MEPs and staff with the plea: “I’m staying here in Brussels for the next month, if somebody would like to hang out for a drink, beer or just meet up to have a lunch here in the European Parliament don´t hesitate to contact me. Looking forward to hearing from you guys.” The email was quickly recalled. Other notable blasts went to MEP Karol Karski’s assistant who asked for a Nokia C2 charger and Cecilia WikstrÖm’s press officer who asked for a needle and thread.

NEW DIRECTIONS: Daniel Hannan trained up a generation of Euroskeptics from his Brussels European Parliament offices, but now he’s done with politics. With a Brexit now an iron-clad promise from PM Theresa May, he told POLITICO, “I’ve been thinking about becoming a teacher actually.”

WHO’S UP:

Kersti Kaljulaid: Estonia’s representative on the European Court of Auditors got a surprise promotion, elected her country’s president on October 3.

Viktor Orbán: Even though his migrant quota referendum was declared invalid, the Hungarian PM  still called it a win with over 98 percent rejecting the EU’s relocation plan.

WHO’S DOWN:

Diane James: After only 18 days in the job, the British MEP has resigned as UKIP leader. Is Nigel Farage about to un-resign a third time?

Pedro Sánchez: The leader of Spain’s Socialists since 2013, he was booted out of the position after poor results in local elections.

The pound sterling: The currency hit a 31-year low after Britain’s PM Theresa May set the end of March as a deadline for the beginning of Brexit talks.