I was so excited for this show because I thought Bret Hart was going to be on TV getting a huge reception. He wasn’t. However he was the subject of a major column I wrote earlier on Monday. The response has been pretty incredible. The next one of those feature columns I write will be about Undertaker. It’ll likely be late November or early December.

Live from Calgary, Alberta, Canada this is the Raw Deal.

Teddy Long was there to push the SD vs. Raw story. He argued with the Raw GM, which means arguing with Michael Cole reading off the piece of paper that was on the computer. My head hurts. They had a ref bring out the COVETED TROPHY~! that Smackdown won last year and will be completely forgotten about next week. Long disconnected the GM’s computer. Didn’t Cole once read a GM email from his phone? Or are we forgetting that already? The Smackdown team came out. Then the Raw team came out. The 7th guy on Raw is Ezekiel Jackson, who is back from injury. R-Truth is still on the team although he’s not allowed in Canada do to an arrest on his criminal record. Miz told Show and the Smackdown guys to get out of their ring. Show says fine…if we have a singles match later. Miz said yes. That opening took 10 minutes, but it felt longer. Not a great opening.

Cody & Drew d. The Hart Dynasty (*)
The champs got no entrance on TV while THD got a nice hometown pop from the Calgary crowd. It’s WWE, though, so you know they’re losing. Pay your hard earned money to see your favorites lose! I know it’s part of the story here, but they always do that stuff. DH was in ring, he was taking care of business, they set up for the Hart Attack clothesline and instead of that DH went to put him in the Sharpshooter. Tyson was like “hey buddy what the hell?” which distracted him, then Drew hit the Future Shock DDT for the win. The match ended with Tyson walking up the ramp with a smirk so maybe he’s the one that will turn heel. The lovely Natalya was not impressed. Women are such natural yellers. Oh crap did I write that?

Cena and Orton spoke. Orton said if Cena goes after him he’s getting punted. Cena said if he tries that he’ll break his leg off. Then how would Orton stand up for WWE if he did that? So mean, Cena. Evil!

There was a video for R-Truth. Like I said he couldn’t be on the show because of a felony in Canada. He is too crunk for my country.

Goldust d. Zack Ryder (SQUASH)
Goldust came out with his “fiancée” Aksana against Zack Ryder. Goldust had Ted’s $10 belt. Goldust beat him in about 30 seconds with the Final Cut. Maryse chased Aksana (they were both barefoot) backstage while Ted looked on angrily and Goldust was able to hit him with the Final Cut too. I think Ted is the dumbest millionaire ever. Paris Hilton, you are in second officially.

This week on Smackdown it’s Randy Orton vs. Kane. The Raw crew will be on the show to hype this PPV. Don’t remember that when they do the draft and tell you that these people will only be one show, though. No remembering things!

Backstage, Barrett told Cena to try against Husky & Mike because he wants to see if they’re Nexus worthy. Then he told Cena to get water. What would happen next? Oh the intrigue.

Backstage, guest star Bobbe J Thompson was playing the SD vs. Raw video game as Big Show against Miz. Miz showed up, then Big Show showed up. Oh the intrigue. That kid is in the movie with Big Show. Great.

Oh, the watcher fetching is back. And Barrett throws it in Cena’s face. Then they laugh and laugh and laugh. That’s why Cena gets the big bucks. Too bad there wasn’t a football in the groin. “Barney’s movie was great, but football in the groin HAD a football in the groin.” Now that’s funny.

John Cena & Randy Orton d. Husky Harris & Michael McGillicutty (*1/2)
During that match they pointed out that Harris & MM are third generation, even mentioning the last names of their dads. So why do they have stupid last names? I know WWE wants to own their talent and their names, but if you’re third generation you should use your real name. It helps. The young guys did well here. Nobody believed they were gonna win, though. Cena hit the AA on Harris and Orton hit the RKO on MM for the win. It was fine for eight minutes of wrestling.

After the match, Nexus beat the crap out of Orton like they normally do. Barrett ordered Cena to sit at ringside and do nothing. Poor John was sitting there pouting like a child on detention. Do kids today have to sit in the corner when they misbehave in school? Shit I feel old asking that and I’m 29. Oh well. It was the usual Nexus beatdown. The announcers used SERIOUS VOICES~! for much of it while Cena had good facial expressions selling his sadness. He’s so sad that he can’t help the guy that tried to blow him up using pyrotechnics in a match last year. Bunch of meanies! After they were done, Barrett told Cena to give him the AA. Then he changed his mind and gave Orton a sloppy looking Wasteland that looked like it might have hurt. Barrett’s smile is pretty great, I have to say. It did great in terms of getting hate. The fans are hating Barrett more than ever. So cheers to that. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said “cheers to that” in my life, by the way. I’m tired. We haven’t seen Orton get beat up that badly during his babyface run. That felt new at least.

Vickie Guerrero came out. Huge heat. Brought out Ziggler. Cole loves Vickie. Daniel Bryan came out and dropped the “if I can be serious for a minute” line that Lance Storm, a Calgary native, used to use. Good job there. Some people recognized it. Bryan challenged Ziggler to a match at the PPV, IC Champ Dolph vs. US Champ Daniel. I don’t think either belt is on the line, but they could be saving that for Survivor Series since the idea is they are cutting back on titles. Dolph said sure, slapped him and Bryan went after him by going around Vickie. He put the LeBell Lock on him on the floor. Meanwhile the useless divas came out to taunt Vickie. Gail Kim had a bucket full of confetti and threw the bucket at her. That was a fuck up. Oh no. A bad idea completely ruined! Vickie left, so Bryan went back in the ring and danced with the divas awkwardly while Cole ripped on him. This is WWE’s way of giving him some character by being the nerdy guy. What’s that show, Big Bang Theory? I guess WWE’s writers watch that. Good for them. Not a huge fan of the dancing because it was too cheesy even for WWE, but Bryan vs. Ziggler should be an excellent PPV match.

Check me out on Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport. I have a lot of fun. Lots of sarcastic comments, plus you’ll get links as soon as I post a column or podcasts. I try to reply to every message I receive, so if you ever want to ask me something that’s a good way to do it.

Natalya d. Alicia Fox (SQUASH)
It was over in about a minute. Natalya wins clean. Hey a hometown person won a match in WWE! Crazy! Post match, McCool & Layla came out with bad Canadian jokes. They need a Canadian writer that actually has funny jokes because this was awful. I guess that’s the intent, but it made me groan to the point where I wanted to turn it off. And I don’t like turning it off when Layla’s got those short shorts on. McCool put Natalya in the Sharpshooter, Layla snapped a photo, but Natalya reversed it into a heel hook and then the heels retreated. Nice counter! I’m thinking Natalya gets the belt on Sunday. Not sure, though. They might keep it on McCool (and Layla even though she never wrestles on PPV) for when Beth comes back soon.

Backstage, we found out the Smackdown roster was there.

We got the trailer for Knucklehead. It’s on limited release this weekend, Saturday & Sunday. I was listening to Wrestling Observer radio and Dave Meltzer said it will be in SIX theatres total. Six! Hopefully it does okay on DVD. It looks decent. I like Big Show at least.

Hey it’s the WWE video where they kiss their own ass because Linda’s going to lose the election where she spent millions of dollars of money given by WWE fans. Great. FF that. Forget about Stand Up to WWE. Who the fuck came up with their Top 25 Talkers Ever and didn’t include Shawn Michaels? Are you kidding me? I’m fine with a top 5 of Austin, Piper, Rock, Flair & Jericho although I’d have Rock-Flair in the 1-2 spot. No HBK is weird, though. Cue the “Vince doesn’t like Shawn anymore” rumors, I guess. I don’t believe them for a second. Whoever came up with this list is just an idiot. That’s my theory.

Cena was about to leave, but Barrett said we aren’t done yet.

The guest star BJT was out there. Crowd booed. He said he welcomes the boos. That’s how you promote a film! Great work there. He introduced the next match.

The Big Show vs. The Miz was about to start in a battle of “The” guys while Raw & SD people were outside the ring. It lasted about a minute before Teddy Long came out to announce it would be a Battle Royal. So why not announce a Battle Royal in the first place? Do they think Show vs. Miz is going to keep more viewers than a Battle Royal would? I guess that’s their thinking.

Smackdown defeated Raw in the Battle Royal (*)
This wasn’t very good. A battle royal with that many people should be a 20 minute match. They had about 8 minutes here. Not enough time. Too rushed. They had Hornswoggle attack Michael Cole and take over his headset for some of it. Cole yelled at him all through the match. Last year they tormented us with Cole loving Horny. Not this year. Save that match for WrestleMania. I did love how shocked Lawler was when Mark Henry got eliminated from the match. He’s a favorite in every battle royal even though he never wins them. Yes, I use that joke a lot, but it’s funny because they keep pushing that idea every time. It came down to Miz & Sheamus vs. Show & Edge. Edge was out on the floor selling an ankle injury that his teammate Swagger put him in, then he gave a spear to Miz, Show chucked out Sheamus and Edge chucked out Miz to win. So Smackdown wins this meaningless match. That likely means Raw will win the less meaningless match on Sunday.

Post match, they cut backstage where Barrett asked Cena to raise his hand like the ref will do on Sunday when he wins the WWE Title. Cena did it begrudgingly. He’s really good at the sad face, I have to admit.

I’ll have a PPV preview later in the week. I’ve got Orton retaining. Cena’s going to accidentally cost Wade, I think.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Wade Barrett – Good promo work and facial expressions by him.
2. John Cena – He’s doing well in the role. I give him credit.
3. Hornswoggle – He gets in for maybe the first time ever because he annoyed Michael Cole.

Worst Moment of the Week
Gail Kim, I like you as a performer, but when your task is to throw confetti in the bucket you should be able to do that without throwing the actual bucket. At least they pay you way more than TNA did!

5 out of 10
Last week: 7.5

The show was very average. I think the 5 might be too nice. I’m in a good mood, I guess. I like the Nexus-Cena storyline a lot. It’s good. Barrett’s facial expressions are great, Cena’s pouting is great to see because he’s been booked so strong for so many years that it feels awkward to see it.

No Bret Hart on the show in Calgary was very lame. I’d rather see him come out just to wave to the fans to hear that massive pop instead of seeing a video on R-Truth because he’s not allowed in Canada due to some incident. Bret was on after the show for the live crowd. There’s a youtube video of him putting the Sharpshooter on. I’d put it up, but I know it will get taken down if I do.

This will be the least watched WWE PPV this year. The main event isn’t that strong. Nobody cares about Raw vs. SD as much as WWE thinks they do. And they’re going against a huge Vikings-Packers NFL game on Sunday that should draw over 20 million viewers. Having 3 PPVs so close together was a bad business move for WWE. I don’t understand it and never will.

Cole vs. Hornswoggle at WrestleMania?

Last thing. I’m not writing about Smackdown any more, but I’m going to switch to TNA Impact. Full explanation is there. We’ll still have SD covered on thejohnreport.net. It just won’t be me. Read that post for the details.

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I’m not posting Commentfest at TJR anymore, but the boys (and maybe a couple girls) from my facebook page want to keep it going, so here it is hosted by my buddy Fat Jesus. Click here to read that. I just felt it was time to move on from Commentfest, so we are.

Keep checking out thejohnreport.net for exclusive articles that are only posted on my site, plus the thejohnreport.net podcast posted every Wednesday. We have recaps of Raw, Smackdown, NXT, TNA Impact and soon ROH on HDNet, so give us a look.

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